I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
