nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
