I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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