Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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