Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
