found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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