The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You need a sexual gate keeper
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My penis needs a shock collar
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
