We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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