he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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