Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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