i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
