he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She just used a chaser for red wine.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize