By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
