I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
