She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
