just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
