Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
