This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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