dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
