Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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