Your tits are I can't wait for
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
