I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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