Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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