Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
