so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
