My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
