Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
