go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
