I wish I could teleport
True but thats because hes a fetus.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
jump out the window naked night went bad
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
