come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Is it because I queefed?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
