Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
