he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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