does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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