WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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