so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
