Apparently you make a good broom.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
