please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
