Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
