Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
this just has baby written all over it
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
