Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
