Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I cut my penus on the lid.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
