Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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