a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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