I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
