I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
