I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
