You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
