I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
