The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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