I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
