Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
