Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
