batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
