I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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