I wish my penis had an off switch
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
