I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
