The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Sober January is a disaster.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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