I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
