Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
