If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
