I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
