I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
