Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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