You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
