dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
