your parents love me but you hate me
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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