His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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