The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
