If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
