somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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