life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Randomize
