1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
